Zer0 Hecc Of
by TheAutisticDuo
Summary: Short stories featuring Mordecai and Bloodwing just trying to survive, but being ruined by Zer0's goofy antics.
Unsuspecting Birb

It was Mordecai's and trans Bloodwing's honeymoon at the Caribbean. Gay inter-species bird and human marriage was just made legal, and they were celebrating with a honeymoon. The ocean waves splashed in the dark in front of them, and stars shined above. Fire flickered on wooden poles near their private straw bungalow. In their hands were two glasses of sparkling champagne, the condensation trickled down the glass and onto their hand/wing. Mordecai sighed and looked over at Bloodwing with awe as his lover stared forward at the ocean waves, "CAW!" He screeched.

"The stars are beautiful...I agree...but nothing can compare to you."

Bloodwing turned his head to Mordecai, and his bird cheeks flushed, "Cuckoo..."

Mordecai put one arm over Bloodwing's bird shoulders. He pulled him closer, pressing him against his bare chest.

"Blood...I love you so much. Ever since we first met...that hilarious morning when you flew by and pooped on my windshield, I've always loved you."

Bloodwing looked away in embarrassment, thinking back to the memory, "Coo..."

Mordecai laughed as Bloodwing fiddled with the wedding ring around his feather, "You're so adorable. I love you so much." He pressed Bloodwing closer to him, feeling Bloodwing's warm feathers brush against his bare chest.

Little did he know, Bloodwing's mind was flooded with second thoughts. Bloodwing stared away from Mordecai, 'caw...' he thought, wondering if he had made a mistake by marrying Mordecai. Looking back at his newly wed husband sipping on his glass of champagne, he knew Mordecai was certain they were destined. It was too late for second-thoughts. Guilt flooded over Bloodwing as the thought of breaking up with Mordecai came to him. Hurting Mordecai would never be something Bloodwing would want to do. But...

Bloodwing's thoughts were interrupted by Mordecai setting down his glass and standing. He watched as Mordecai walked over to a vintage record player. He gave Bloodwing an adventurous smile as he moved the needle onto the record and WHAM! began to play.

"You remember this song, Blood?" Mordecai asked, his lips spread in a cheeky smile, "Careless Whisper. The song that played from my car radio when we first met, when you pooped on my windshield."

"Caw!" Bloodwing squawked with a fake smile on his beak. He did remember. And along with that memory came a wave of anxiety.

Mordecai raised an eyebrow with interest as he put his fingers on the button of his pants, unzipping his pants. Anxiety filled Bloodwing along with a wave of interest and lust. Bloodwing set down his glass of champagne and moved sexy to Mordecai, letting out a mating call. "CACAW!"

Suddenly, Mordecai got on top of Bloodwing and pulled his bird panties off and threw them on the floor. Pulling off his pants, his erection sprung free. Holy cow!... He knelt up and pulled a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no... Will it? How? Bloodwing squawked as Mordecai put his length inside him, popping his ripe birb cherry. Pain ran over Bloodwing and his feathers clawed at the wood. Mordecai stopped for a brief moment, staring down at his avian lover in concern. Holy cow!...

"Blood...? Should I stop?"

Bloodwing shook his head, "Caw, caw..." He moaned.

"I-is this your first time?" He asked.

Bloodwing looked away with embarrassment, "...caw..."

Mordecai's fingers traced along the bottom of Bloodwing's beak, moving his head back to face him. A smile spread across his face, "Shh...it's okay, be a good boy for daddy now. He'll show you how it's done."

Mordecai began slowly, then gradually quicker as Bloodwing's desperate squawks for more escaped his beak.

"You're...so eager, Blood!" Mordecai exclaimed with a surprised tone.

"SQUAWK!" Bloodwing's feathers clawed at the wood, his chest moved up as the sensation of pleasure ran through his body. Suddenly, Mordecai's kinky side came out. He let out a moan, then leaned in to Bloodwing's ear, "The safe word is 'bandit'." He whispered before biting one of Bloodwing's feathers playfully. Suddenly, he grabbed Bloodwing, tipping him across his lap. With one smooth movement, he angled his body so Bloodwing's torso is resting on the floor beside him. He threw his right leg over Bloodwing's and planted his left forearm on the small of Bloodwing's back, holding him down so he cannot move... He placed his hand on Bloodwing's naked back, softly fondling him, stroking around and around with his flat palm. And then his hand is no longer there... and it hits Bloodwing - hard.

The two were interrupted by the lights flashing on, and they both screamed and threw their heads in the direction of Zer0 who walked in with a plate of chicken tendies in one hand and a single chicken tendie in the other. The three froze for a short moment, staring at each other in shock before Mordecai scrambled off Bloodwing and hurried for his pants nearby, "Jesus, Zer0!" Mordecai screamed as he pulled his pants over himself, "You can't just walk into a room like that! What's wrong with you, amigo?"

Zer0 looked down at his plate of chicken tendies. A tear forms on his face mask and falls to the floor, "Chicken tendies..." He whispered to himself.

Mordecai glared at him, then looked over at Bloodwing, "Yeah, he has long-term brain damage, but why did we have to bring him to our honeymoon?"

Bloodwing stared at Zer0 with pity as Zer0 hopelessly slapped the chicken tendie against his face at an attempt to taste the breaded goodness, "Caw caw..."

"So what if he can't be alone?" Mordecai groaned with annoyance, "He's going to ruin our honeymoon."

Zer0 started to cry inconsolably as he threw his chicken tendies onto the ground with anger, "My chicken tendies/ My mask, a hellish restraint/ Leaves me tendiless."

Bloodwing hopped to Zer0 with his bird legs and put one arm over Zer0's shoulders and squawked with loud.

Zer0 fell to his knees, overcum with emotion. His chicken tendies...now sprawled on the floor. Covered in dirt, dust, and...fluids from the recent events.

"Life has no meaning/ Not without chicken tendies/ I wish for release."

"Why do you only speak in haikus, you freak?!" Mordecai bullied.

A pang of hurt flooded over Zero and a sad emoticon flashed on his visor. He was defeated. Zer0 stood on shaky feet. He let out a hurt sigh and pushed Bloodwing away. Zer0 left for the roof and Bloodwing followed behind.

"...Caw?" Bloodwing asked, staring at Zer0 as he stepped up to the edge of the roof, looking down at the ground below.

"No chicken tendies / No reason to keep living / I'm sorry, Bloodwing..."

"Caw!" Bloodwing protested. He reached out for Zer0's arm, but it was a second too late. Zer0 had already stepped over the edge and was now falling to his death. A tear escaped his visor and a sad emoticon flashed in front of him.

At the same time, Mordecai made his way outside. His feet dragged along the sand as he pulled out a box of cigarettes. He mumbled in anger about Zer0 and chicken tendies as he tried to light a cigarette, "Stupid Zer0...this is my honeymoon..."

He took a long drag of the cigarette when suddenly, he was on the ground, face-first into the sand with 120 lbs of chicken tendie loving assassin was laying on top of him. That's when Zer0 realized, there was no fall damage in Borderlands 2.

"Zer0 you gay-" Mordecai was interrupted by a sudden feeling of restriction in his breathing. He coughed into his hand and saw there was blood. His eyes widened with panic, "Th—there's..." He was interrupted again by more coughing.

"Caw!" Bloodwing squawked as he pulled Zer0 off of Mordecai. He rolled Mordecai over on his back as Zer0 walked off to find more chicken tendies. Grabbing Mordecai's hand in his wings, Bloodwing looked into Mordecai's eyes, "...Caw..."

"B—Bloodwing...my...avian lover..." Mordecai coughed again, splattering his bare chest with blood, "I'm...I'm sorry...for everything I've done. For the hurt I've caused you all these years. I just...I was so scared you'd leave me for Brick...or, or for Rakkman. I was so scared you...you were having second thoughts about our marriage. I—I love you, Blood..."

That's when Bloodwing knew. The thought of losing Mordecai was unbearable. He regretted ever thinking it wouldn't work out with Mordecai. Bloodwing stroked Mordecai's hand and a tear escaped his eye, absorbing into his feathers, "...Chirp..."

That's when Ellie pulled in with a Lamborghini with sick ass flames on the sides, spinning rims, and the Catch-A-Ride logo pastured to the hood. She stuck her fat head out of the window, "Hey y'all! I heard you was having hot sex wit'yer birb there an' I thought I'd come over." She snorted, "Y'all need anythin'? I gots'a'lotta 'dem condoms in ma'h glovebox. Some lube, maybe? Towels? Sponges? A ball gag?"

Bloodwing turned to Ellie, tears streaming down his bird face, "Caw!" He screamed in bird. Ellie's expression turned to worry, "Oh no, he's havin' an allergic reaction to yer birb juice! We got'sa get 'em to a hospital!"

Bloodwing nodded as he grabbed hold of Mordecai's arm and dragged him towards the Lamborghini.

Zer0 watched from a distance as Ellie, Mordecai, and Bloodwing drove off down the road in the Lamborghini... he was alone...chicken tendiless... Zer0 sighed and looked down at the sand by his boots, tracing outlines of chicken tendies in the white grains, "My search for release / It continues. Unfortunate... / When will the pain end?" He sighed, propping his head up with one hand...

Bloodwing and Ellie waited in the lobby of the hospital. Bloodwing fiddled with his engagement ring, pulling it off and on the feather of his wing. Ellie looked at him, "Don'worry 'bout Mordecai, Blood. There's ton'sa other illegal immigrants y'all can choose from."

Bloodwing shot Ellie a glare, "Caw!"

Ellie opened her mouth to reply when Dr. Weenie...came in. A clipboard in one hand and a pen in the other. His doctor's coat fluttered behind him as he walked. And he had a sick ass doctor mask over his psycho mask and a cool snapback with a green rim. He was a fun guy.

"My penis stands. When your vision." Dr. Weenie said before a red-haired nurse, Misty, joined him.

"There is awful news about your husband, Bloodwing..." Dr. Weenie began, "He is...allergic to having sex with birbs..."

(Oh no)

Bloodwing gasped, putting his two wings over his face in surprise, "CAW!"

"This might be a little hard to take in, but please, take your time." Misty assured.

Bloodwing cawed with nervousness, "...C-caw? Caw caw?"

"There are...options, yes." Dr. Weenie looked down at his clip board and fixed his sick ass snapback in place, "Protection. Hardcore protection. I'm talking about like three layers—four layers of condoms. Alternatively, you can take a shot weekly. Except the shot might kill you. Because it has a specific kind of acid that kills bird allergies in the blood and sometimes birds too that are also in the blood."

"That is quite the dilemma." Ellie added.

Dr. Weenie nodded grimly.

"Please take your time to process this." Misty told Bloodwing.

Bloodwing stared down at the floor in thought before looking back up at Dr. Weenie, "Caw?" He asked.

"Any surgery? Actually, yes. There is one. It's perfectly safe and really good and easy." Dr. Weenie pulled a card out of his pocket. He handed the card to Bloodwing, and Bloodwing read off it. An address somewhere in Taiwan.

"Go there and ask for Chia-hao . Tell him The Green Man sent you for surgery. They'll be more than happy to help."

Bloodwing looked up at Dr. Weenie from the card, "Caw?"

"Risks? There's no risk to this surgery at all. Literally zero."

Upon hearing his name, Zer0 walked in, "Chicken tendies?" He asked. He was approached by Misty soon after, who began to tell him to take his time to process this.

Tears of relief formed in Bloodwing's eyes, "Caw!" He squawked, then hugged Dr. Weenie.

"I'm always happy to help people yeah." Dr. Weenie answered.

Later that evening, Mordecai and Bloodwing were packing up to go to Taiwan. They put Zer0 and his chicken tendies in a dog crate, then hailed a cab to the nearest airport. Their love was going to work out. No matter what it took...

To Be Continued...


End file.
